#Excerpt from Words We Carry – Essays of Obsessions and Self-Esteem by D. G. Kaye


What’s The Attraction?

Do you ever wonder why we gravitate to certain types of partners? Is it because we randomly meet people and connect with them, or are most of us in search of the perfect partners, not willing to settle for anything less than our ideal mates? I dare not say that anyone is perfect. We all have flaws, and sometimes we choose the wrong partners for a number of reasons. Perhaps we’ve spent a long time searching for meaningful relationships and we’re tired of being alone, so we settle.

When we find the opportunity to hook up with someone, we may be willing to forego some of our requirements in a mate, grateful that we’ve finally met someone. Or maybe we only see the qualities we like in that person and tend to overlook the things we don’t? Either way, I think these choices are a recipe for disaster in the long term. I can speak from experience about this because I too once fell into this situation.

I can say with certainty that I was better off being alone than allowing myself to succumb to a partner I abhorred. I allowed myself to settle for a relationship with a charming, nice-looking guy who I continued to go out with while trying to ignore my inner knowledge that there were just some things I didn’t like about him. I thought I was being too picky, and as it had been a few years since I allowed myself to get involved with someone, I thought perhaps I was being too selective and had to give the guy a chance. Well, one thing led to another, and before I knew it, I was trapped in a bad relationship.

When someone breaks your spirit, it’s not a good thing. I didn’t just let a few of my standards fall by the wayside, I settled for a relationship that didn’t adhere to my values. I saw this more and more as the relationship progressed. My love for laughter was smothered, and my optimistic outlook on life darkened.

That relationship was costly. It took up some of the best years of my life, but I learned a lot from it, and it only served to reinforce my strength and my decision never to allow myself to settle half-heartedly for things again. I learned that I would never let anyone prevent me from being who I was. I learned to value my personal freedom much more highly once I got out of that relationship. When I finally chose to marry a few years later, I realized the qualities I needed and wanted in a man before making a life commitment.

My decisions and the lessons of my past led me to choose the right partner with whom to share a happy marriage. If we don’t learn to stand up and live for what we believe in, and if we allow ourselves to be bulldozed by our partners, by them not respecting our thoughts and preferences, we will eventually be left emotionally unfulfilled.

We have the ability to attract many suitors, whether through our looks, our dispositions, or our intelligence. We can meet people anywhere, and this can happen when we least expect it. Heck, I even meet people in the grocery store. Sometimes we may not be aware that our body language exudes a lot about our personalities. I know that my persona always radiates happiness. I smile at people when I pass them or find them glancing at me. This opens a door to making someone feel comfortable, signaling that I’m friendly.

Often when I’m grocery shopping, a man or woman will approach me out of the blue, asking me if I’ve tried a particular item I may be holding at the time. More often than not, I’ll be approached and asked where someone can find a particular product. It sometimes leaves me wondering if I look like the official greeter of the store! I usually just chuckle and take it in stride that people feel comfortable talking to me. I project approachability. People can sense from my disposition and body language that I’m friendly, and they feel comfortable enough to approach me and ask questions.

The people we’re initially attracted to or gravitate toward are usually decided by our morals and the standards we strongly hold. Our younger experiences usually instill in us what we crave in an ideal mate. As we grow and learn about ourselves, we begin to discover the qualities that appeal to us in a meaningful relationship. The values and traits we look for in a potential partner often stem from the comfort we felt around people we grew up with, pple who made us feel loved and special.

D.G. Kaye Author

Author D. G. Kaye

D.G. Kaye is a Canadian nonfiction/memoir author. She was born, raised, and resides in Toronto, Canada. Kaye writes about her life experiences, matters of the heart and women’s issues.

D.G. writes to inspire others. Her writing encompasses stories taken from events she encountered in her own life, and the lessons that were taken from them. Her sunny outlook on life developed from learning to overcome some of the many obstacles that she overcame.

Connect with D.G.:
www.twitter.com/@pokercubster (Of course there’s a story to this name!)www.facebook.com/dgkaye

Conflicted Hearts
MenoWhat? A Memoir
Words We Carry
Have Bags, Will Travel

24 thoughts on “#Excerpt from Words We Carry – Essays of Obsessions and Self-Esteem by D. G. Kaye

  1. Your sadness resonated in every line, Debby–your regret at those years wasted on someone who wasn’t deserving of you. You had the courage to admit you chose the wrong partner, learn from the experience, and move on. Now, you’re sharing your wisdom with other people…

    I used to listen to Dr. Laura all the time, and I perused a few of her books. Most of what she professes makes sense. Sometimes, I wonder, though: Can we ever truly know another person? Many of my friends married nice guys who later became cheats. Since fidelity isn’t a man’s strong suit, I don’t think any woman can predict that flaw in her future husband. Ha-ha!

    I read once that couples who meet in a grocery store often find lasting love. That tidbit spurred a book idea. I always talk to people in the store, and they talk to me. Maybe we just seem “approachable.” 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m glad you understood the message from this excerpt Linda. Yes, sometimes we make the wrong choices in life, but if we don’t learn from them, the pattern will repeat itself. And yes, our demeanor says a lot about us too. Body language is a good indicator of our approachability. I’ve also met some interesting people in grocery stores. 🙂


  2. Awesome excerpt, Debby. Such a tough lesson to learn, and I think we all learn it, some earlier than others; some multiple times. I am a people-pleaser, and I have found that to be damaging in many ways. I put people before me, but the wrong kind of people take advantage of that kind of self-sacrifice. It’s taken me many, many years to understand this and to re-train myself so that I put the “right” people before me, rather than everyone. I still make mistakes, but I’m getting better at it!

    Thanks so much for sharing your wisdom with us.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks so much for visiting here Kate, and sharing a bit of yourself. I think there are many like us who share those same struggles. This is why I wrote that book, I share my stories so that others can relate and hopefully take something positive from it. 🙂


  3. You are full of encouraging news, Debby. I’m grateful to have had a wonderful mate, many harmonious years together, and many productive arguments. I was 21 when we met and attracted in the most visceral and impulsive way possible. That’s the one! My intuition proved to be right. We were fortunate that we clicked on many levels from what we wanted for dinner to where we wanted to live. I also attract people with friendliness, but increased deafness has made me more introverted. I can’t engage in casual banter like I once could so conversation has to be intentional with a quiet background for me to get the subtleties. I’m no fun at a cocktail party.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thanks for commenting here Elaine, and sharing some of your wonderful relationship with Vic here, and also some of your hurdles.
    You were blessed to have found Vic and lived a wonderful life with him, and blessed to be so in-tuned to your intuition.
    I know of your struggle with your hearing Elaine, and on the bright side, so much of our world is online communication as well, which at least allows you to communicate with your vision. 🙂


  5. I remember reading this passage in your book, Debby, and re-reading it was just as touching and enjoyable. When you said, in this post, “I project approachability.” I also feel that what makes you an interesting writer is that your writing is so approachable. 🙂


  6. Really enjoyed reading your excerpts here Debby, you are absolutely spot on as always. I relate to everything you say here, and I mean everything. It’s uncanny, the many similarities we share. Your writing hits right to the core of some difficult relationship problems, yet you offer hope that there is always a chance to begin again. I’m not surprised people warm to you, you excude friendliness but also, just as important, you are genuinly caring and others are attracted to that. You’re a bright star shining in a dark world, a truly inspiring woman ❤


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